Where Dio
by Scottsman95
Summary: Based on a joke AU where, after the defeat of each of Dio's minions, they join the Stardust Crusaders. This will be a serious of humorous one shots and vignettes based around these various bizarre personalities interacting, and the adventures they have.
1. Forward (skippable)

Forward

Just a few details before we start this trainwreck. First, credit to Lukalanza on Tumblr for creating this idea, which traveled down god only knows how many avenues before it reached me through my friend MasterBurner. The idea, as it was present initially, goes like this:

"did i ever tell u about my joke au where after each defeat, nearly all of the enemy stand users join the sdc, like literally nearly everyone and like, Terence goes to open the door and his brother's just out there, there's like 40+ people out there, Jotaro's like Where Dio?"

With those out of the way, it should also be noted that I will probably not be very consistent with my timeline, which is to say that these vignettes are under no obligation to stay in chronological order. Things will jump around in time and place as ideas come to me.

Oh yeah, and both the Geils (J and Enya) are not recruited, same goes for Alessi, because _fuck those guys._ Steely Dan and Rubber Soul are in limbo at the moment, but no matter what pretty much nobody likes them.

Alright, think that's everything. Without further ado: Where Dio?


	2. America, Money, and Competition

"Fancy a smoke, old timer?"

Joseph looked away from the scenery, seeing Hol Horse offering a pack of cigarettes. The two of them were the only ones on the deck of Strength at the moment, most of the crew currently resting. _How that monkey got this thing on land, I will never know._ "Horse." He took one of the offered cigarettes, clearing some space for Hol Horse to sit down beside him.

"Quite the crusade you've got here. Kinda wish Midler wasn't crushing so hard on your kid, then this cruise would be perfect."

Joseph couldn't help but chuckle at the cowboy's words. "It seems we weren't the only ones eager to bring down Dio."

Hol Horse rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Believe me, after having met the guy? I'll be amazed if there's anyone who _doesn't_ want to sock him right in the face."

Taking a puff of the cigarette, Joseph felt his mind be called back from the distance by a very pressing thought: "Where did you get these? I haven't had a cigarette like this in weeks!"

"Perks of joining late," Hol Horse said with a sly grin. "Picked these up in the good old US of A. I don't care what anyone says, we do 'em best."

Joseph nodded, taking another drag from the cigarette. "Here here. I can't wait for this to all be over so I can go home and have myself a proper steak."

"I'd drink to that if we had any. Seems that orangutan doesn't keep his kitchen's _that_ well stocked."

"We should talk to Cameo. I think he could put together a pretty decent still with that Stand of his."

Hol Horse smiled at the old man. "I like the way you think…"

The two would be found on the deck that morning, having talked all night. A good excuse, they decided, to make a decent, _American_ cup of coffee.

* * *

"So you're sure this is gonna work?"

"Positive. Just touch the outlet, and everyone's money will come right to you."

Rubber Soul did as he was told, and suddenly felt something bump into him. Looking down at his arm, he found a… bottle cap? "Mariah? This isn't money."

Baset's owner looked up from her book at the confused stand user. "Well, my stand doesn't just attract money."

" _Mariah._ "

"So you may get some junk. We just need to go somewhere public and you'll get plenty of coins and keys. We need a new source of income without Dio paying us."

"Why did you even pick me anyway?"

"Cause you might survive getting hit by a car," she muttered under her breath.

"What was that?"

"Nothing at all. Now get moving! These things won't collect themselves."

 _A few hours later._

"Mariah."

"Hm?"

"Turn Bastet off now."

"But we're not done. The markets are gonna be busy for a few more hours."

"Mariah?"

"Yes?"

"I am _stuck to a car._ "

This finally drew her attention. She was surprised Rubber Soul could even talk with all the things covering him. "Well, it is a free car…"

"Mariah!" The pile shook ever so slightly.

"Fiiiine," she groaned. With a snap of her fingers, the pile fell to the ground, revealing a rather frustrated Rubber Soul.

"Please tell me we got something good from all this."

"Indeed we did~" she practically sung as she dug through the pile. Holding up for him to see was…

"A bottle cap!? We did this for bottle caps!?"

"Well, this one is _kinda_ rare. It should look good in my collection."

With a sigh, Temperance's owner began the treck back to Strength. "I am never, _ever_ going on errands with you again."

Mariah kept her eyes on him as he wandered out of sight. Finally, she turned back to the pile, huming a little tune as she pulled loose wallets and keys.

She made sure to keep the bottle cap separate though, she didn't want to it.

* * *

Polnareff pulled the katana from its sheath, letting it sit in his lap. "Okay, Anubis has agreed to judge this contest, since he's actually seen some of these in person. Cameo, Midler, you ready?" The two former goons nodded, getting ready for a true test of skill and finesse. "Alright, Venus De Milo!"

There were two simultaneous puffs of smoke, and before the crowd now stood twin marble statues, seemingly identicle. After a minute of consideration, Polnareff's arm lifted of its own accord, pointing the sword at the statue on the left. Its perfect visage was suddenly replaced with a bizarre face, smiling with joy. From beside her creation, Midler couldn't help but jump for joy.

"Calm down woman," Anubis said through Polnareff as the sword returned to his lap. "That was only the first round."


End file.
